because it's called an update.

i realize it's been quite some time since i've written anything, and i apologize! things have been on a constant roller coaster lately, but more to come on my advice blog!

well, i guess for starters... despite me trying to change myself, it seems to have been for the worst. corey and i spoke for a good two weeks, but everything was painfully awkward and it felt a bit like a burden. our conversations felt like they were going nowhere and i really just did not want him getting close to me again (which failed, again...). but like all the other times... when he has someone (better than me, might i add), he's usually distant. and it's like he manipulates my feelings into telling him things, thus turning him into the one who controls the relationship we have/had. and it really sucks to know it's THAT easy for him. it makes me so angry. ugh. i cannot.

i'm also licensed. SO YAY I CAN DRIVE NOW. too bad i suck at parking and too chicken to try parking and merging... ha-ha-ha... this is my life.

um! but yeah. that's it for now, i guess! i'll do an update later on or something... i don't know. and that questions video... yeah, don't think i'll ever have that up. maybe in the future? who knows.

so long for now!

you're all lovely and i'll talk to you soon.

xo, yona.

because you're worth a hundred letters.

to my loveliest goof,

i'm sorry things were left off filled with anger, sadness, pain, and guilt. i'm sorry i said all the things i did because truth is, i didn't mean to lose you as a friend.

but in all honesty, i am hurt. i am tired of being that person you constantly fall back to because i'm too nice to ignore you when you're hurt or upset. i've tried, so so hard to just be a friend to you. but truth is, i was never over you, and i feel like i won't ever fully be because you meant so much to me. but with the games you're playing with me, i really cannot handle being at my lowest every night anymore.

i don't know what i want though, to be honest. i want you, i want to be happy, i want you to love me like you love her. i want so many things, but everything is contradicted by another thing, and it's all just a huge mess of nothingness. and i'm sorry. i'm sorry i made your life so difficult and so complicated.

but do understand... i left because you deserve someone so much better than me. you don't deserve someone who has mood swings, someone who can't trust, someone who can't express, and above all, someone who can't love you the way you deserve to be loved. you deserve someone who makes you happy, someone who thinks you're their entire world (even though you still are mine at the moment), and someone who really understands you and doesn't force emotions.

i'm so, so sorry i hurt you. i never intended to hurt you. and if i am taking my advice and being honest with myself, i do love you. and i've said that to two other people now, but i can honestly say that for once in the last two years, i mean it. i love you as a friend and i love you as more than a friend.

but i do regret getting so close. i hate becoming so close because it scares me. i'm so messed up, it's ridiculous. i'm trying my best to fix myself, and i'm trying my best to be someone who is worthy of someone as perfect, sweet, kind, and caring as you. i'm trying. so, so hard.

i don't want to let you go, but i have to. but i also want you to fight for me. i want you to tell me how much i mean to you. i want you to tell me you love me and that you want me, not her this time.

i'm sorry i don't know what i want. i'm sorry.

love you always.

because as of late.

as of late, everything seems to have taken a 180 turn. everything sucks, everything isn't right, everything is stupid, and everything is ridiculous.

i seem to have lost myself completely from when i last posted and now, and honestly, it's frightening. why? well, because i was never actually content with myself in the first place. i put on faces just so people don't worry about me, and i can give off the impression i want them to have of me.

ridiculous and stupid, right? yup. i know.

at work, i'm bubbly, sunny, happy, and all smiles all the time. at home, i'm angry, moody, tired, annoyed, and quiet. at school, i'm sweet, happy, smiles, and interested. but when i'm by myself, i'm tired, sore, sad, confused, drained, and a bunch of other moods i don't feel like sharing.

i don't know. i just wish things would fall into place for me for once because it's hard and tiring to put on an act all the time. especially if it's to be well liked.

but yeah.

you're all still wonderful, and i'm sorry i suck at this. i'll talk to you all later.

xo, yona

because i feel like saying hi!

i know. i suck... but i promise to get better!! i'm still in the process of editing my tag video/haul... i've been so tired lately, and i'm sorry!!! i promise to update at least once a week.

but like usual, nothing extraordinary has happened that's really worth mentioning. so here's a super quick break down of the last couple of weeks...

1. biology labs have been going pretty superbly. i understand ALMOST everything! did you know your carpals (aka, the wrist) is made up of 7 bones?! and your foot another 6ish bones?! 
2. first midterm of the semester was a 72% in bio! and the class average was 63%?!
3. work has been pretty awesome. loving everyone i work with. :DDDDD
4. i have some of the best people around me, and i'm so, so, so thankful for them.

...and yeah! besides all that, i've constantly been falling asleep everything i'm going and it's soooo bad... what is wrong with me. ):

oh! but i did have a bar experience! but not really... well, i was out at melrose on the weekend with some coworkers, and i guess somehow EVERYONE found out i though m.h was super cute, so everyone (and i mean everyone, including my manager) was pep talking us, and it was a little awkward, but i'm glad we actually kind of had moments to ourselves, even though we weren't talking about anything super important and that he was drunk and high... but nonetheless, he is the cutest human being. 8))))) we had a awkward moment of both of us initiating hugs, but not going through with it because i'm not sure why, but ah well...

but yeah! that's all i can think of now.... oh yeah, never order a mojito. those are nasty...

talk to you all soon, and i hope you have a fantastic week!

xo, yona

because it's the 28th day of the year!

oh man. i'm actually legal now (in canada...)!!!!!!

today has been quite the eventful day, and the weekend was pretty fantastic as well. this coming weekend is definitely going to be quite the roller coaster both mentally and physically.

i spent my weekend literally going to work, eating sushi, and sitting/laying about. a part of me REALLY regrets that but y'know... it's my birthday and all... and i'll be studying saturday and sunday and the rest of this week for my midterm monday! so hey, i guess my exam will make up for my laziness (obviously!)... :P

with the process of my being-more-positive this year... things have been... meh. i've tried to be positive, and it has been working but with my upcoming exams... everything is coming downhill, and it's a terrible feeling because it's times like this where i wish i had someone who supported me through anything and everything. i know, i know. i sound pretty desperate, but i do miss being super smiley all the time and just being in a fantastic mood overall! but in time, everything will fall into place!

i don't really have much to write because i'm quite exhausted, but i'm considering doing tag videos? if that sounds like an interesting idea! it'd be kind of fun talking to you via a video as to writing a huge about me kind of thing, y'know? and it'll be a quirky way to just have fun with this. and get me motivated to blog more often. ;)

i'll attach some pictures from my birthday later this week after my party so it'll be one huge photoblog.

you're all lovely, and i'll talk to you all soon!

xoxo, yona

because it's a new year.

i realize i'm terrible at keeping journals, so i'm trying harder this year! but watch it be a total bust...

but i'm just going to do a quick update today, and hopefully continue to add to my advice blog! yay! ...fingers crossed at least!

typical post... but i had a boyfriend! my first real relationship, i guess. and it's kind of a cute story, so i'll just tell you it from the beginning.

november 14th 2011 at work, i met someone who i've been some-what acquainted with in the past. past, being a couple of weeks prior (HAHAHAHA). his name is mister (nickname/anonymity!), and he has the most amazing green eyes and smile. it was about 2:45pm when i was let off for break, and i sat down mindlessly scrolling through my twitter feed when he walked in. i looked up, and gave him a small smile, and he said "i'm just gonna sit across from you..." it was awkward, obviously because of the time i randomly said hi outside the store (i'm not creepy, i promise!). so naturally i replied with what i reply everything with, "sure thing!" then i proceeded to ask him about school, even though i REALLY didn't want to make conversation with someone who walked in with suuuuch a dark look on his face. the conversation kept going, and just like that, 15 minutes went by, and i got up to use the bathroom before heading back down, and he stopped me as i proceeded to walk downstairs. he asked if i could take a shift from him, and i was all cool and said, 'sure, why not? gives me the chance to sleep in." we didn't talk again after because of the lanes we were put at. so at the end of my shift, i went up to double check his schedule before telling the supervisor, and his name wasn't found. annoyed, i unwillingly went down, and asked if we were still switching, and he wanted to wait before telling amanda because he might be switching with our friend Jaycee. getting even more annoyed, i told him to text me about it, and got his number. coincidentally, he was on break just as i got off shift, so we just texted. soon, that text turned into a 6 hour phone call, which was... interesting. and within the month, we started dating. 

it's cute, right? apologies for the weird/awkward structuring of that, but moving on! we had a cute first date, and we sat on top of a hill, and talked for a couple of hours cuddled on the park bench. then we walked back down into eau claire, and started to mess around on my phone. then, the second time we hung out, we went down to 17th to get his phone fixed, and headed to downtown again at night after his shift, and that was when i got my first kiss. it's definitely a cringe moment because it was just... awkward. HAHAHAHA, not going to go into detail, but nonetheless, it was a really good night. but i guess you can't ever compete with the ex-girlfriend they've slept with because he's still in love with her. and on january 1st 2013, we broke up because he confessed. i should've known, to be honest. i was a secret, we barely saw each other, and he never wanted anyone to see us. kind of crappy, yeah. but i wouldn't call him a regret. yeah, i miss him so much it hurts, i'm still waiting on the boy God's set me up with. i just can't shake the feeling that he and i are supposed to be someone. i mean, why else would we have spoken that day when neither of us wanted to acknowledge each other? it's silly, yes, but it's the only thing keeping me somewhat optimistic about everything. i'm hoping that's the case because he really did make the days we were together really happy and i really enjoyed myself with him.

but no more sad and whiny! onto the next stuff...

i totally wrote this a few days ago, but i guess nothing saved, so i'll just leave this here mainly for my sake because the memory still makes me smile a lot, and it's silly, but oh well!

also, thank you to the reader who left me an anonymous message on tumblr encouraging me to blog! i promise i'll do my very best to keep this as up to date as i can. (: (:

you guys are all awesome for reading this, and i'll chat with you all soon!

in the mean time, have a fantastic weekend. and good luck to those who have exams!

xoxo, yona