because you're worth a hundred letters.

to my loveliest goof,

i'm sorry things were left off filled with anger, sadness, pain, and guilt. i'm sorry i said all the things i did because truth is, i didn't mean to lose you as a friend.

but in all honesty, i am hurt. i am tired of being that person you constantly fall back to because i'm too nice to ignore you when you're hurt or upset. i've tried, so so hard to just be a friend to you. but truth is, i was never over you, and i feel like i won't ever fully be because you meant so much to me. but with the games you're playing with me, i really cannot handle being at my lowest every night anymore.

i don't know what i want though, to be honest. i want you, i want to be happy, i want you to love me like you love her. i want so many things, but everything is contradicted by another thing, and it's all just a huge mess of nothingness. and i'm sorry. i'm sorry i made your life so difficult and so complicated.

but do understand... i left because you deserve someone so much better than me. you don't deserve someone who has mood swings, someone who can't trust, someone who can't express, and above all, someone who can't love you the way you deserve to be loved. you deserve someone who makes you happy, someone who thinks you're their entire world (even though you still are mine at the moment), and someone who really understands you and doesn't force emotions.

i'm so, so sorry i hurt you. i never intended to hurt you. and if i am taking my advice and being honest with myself, i do love you. and i've said that to two other people now, but i can honestly say that for once in the last two years, i mean it. i love you as a friend and i love you as more than a friend.

but i do regret getting so close. i hate becoming so close because it scares me. i'm so messed up, it's ridiculous. i'm trying my best to fix myself, and i'm trying my best to be someone who is worthy of someone as perfect, sweet, kind, and caring as you. i'm trying. so, so hard.

i don't want to let you go, but i have to. but i also want you to fight for me. i want you to tell me how much i mean to you. i want you to tell me you love me and that you want me, not her this time.

i'm sorry i don't know what i want. i'm sorry.

love you always.